Mon Amie

I left her. I know, I shouldn’t have. But I did.
What was I even thinking?
I’m a horrible person.
She’s gone because of me.
° ° °
Miah and I had been best friends forever. The kind of friendship that you just know the both of you are gonna be seat mates in heaven . We loved each other enough that we didn’t need to love our own selves any extra. A friendship like ours could never turn sour.
‘but here you are, tied up and locked in this rehab home’ my subconscious speaks.
Cuz ours did get sour.

It all started when Miah met Tom. Tom? Even by his name I could tell he was no good for her. But even with my greatest displeasure in Tom, my opinions remained unspoken. Miah was smitten by him. Her every move spelt his name out in uppercase. I was happy she was so ecstatic. Miah deserved happiness. So I let her know that I was with her all the way and if Tom tried anything funny, he’d have me to face. The tears twinkling in her eyes told me how much my words were appreciated. I resolved to let her float in her cloud of Bliss.
Slowly but gradually,Miah started neglecting me. She had begun to spend more time with Tom and our usual everyday banters became short clipped sentences whenever we bumped into each other. No one had to tell me that our friendship was going down the drain. Even though I was hurting, I couldn’t possibly tell Miah to break up with her boyfriend just cuz I needed company. And then I met Shay, we got to talking and started going out. But getting a girlfriend was probably not the best idea cuz the friendship between Miah and I was officially flushed. Short clipped sentences turned to awkward silence and weird hand gestured hellos as we passed each other by like strangers. I tried to talk to her about it, but then decided against it. No need stating the obvious, it only made me seem pathetic.
Shay and I broke up around the time Tom and Miah broke up. Call it fate, but she was devastated, she needed me, and I remembered my promise. I was with her through every tear as I tried to be around her ever so often, trying to fix our broken bond. And then it happened. She got back together with Tom. I was filled with immense rage. I lost her once to him;and I was sure as hell going to loose her again. So I made the first move, I kept my distance before she kept hers.
But it seemed like the more often I saw Miah,the more often I saw a new scar, cut or bruise. I became worried, despite my effort not to. I called her one evening, I wanted her to explain what was going on. She invited me over. As I sat down next to her,she told me she had moved in with Tom on his request to have her closer,but he had recently developed an anger problem and often times took it out on her.

As she fights back tears, she tells me of her decision to leave him and I tell her how brave she is. We talk into the night like old times and she tells me “I’m really glad you’re here Nicholas. You’re what I’ve been needing all along. You see,being in a relationship, that’s something you choose but being friends,that’s just something you are. It’s what we are Nick.”, she smiles. I think about this for a second or two.
I think about how much depends upon a best friend. When you wake up in the morning,you swing your legs out of bed and you put your feet on the ground and you stand up. You don’t scoot to the edge of the bed and look down to make sure the floor is there. The floor is always there. Until it’s not.
And without thinking,I stand up and say,”I no longer want to be your best friend. Okay? In fact, I believe we stopped being best friends a while ago when we were too stuck up chasing other people.”
Tom storms in. I stop.
I want to continue, I want to tell Miah how much it sucks being just friends with her because of how much I love her. I want to tell her how angry I was when she got back with Tom and how happy I am now that she’s leaving him again.
But I can’t. Tom is here.
And probably wondering what I’m doing with his girlfriend this late in the night. Miah is in big trouble, I can tell. She’s crying now. Either from my unfinished proclamation of love or the events to unfold later on.
I leave without saying another word.
As I step outside, the porch lights automatically come on. I walk to my car and start fumbling around for my keys, but mostly stalling as I try to decide whether to go home or go back and finish what I started. But my indecisiveness doesn’t last for long as I hear a scream. I run inside without a second thought, because I can pretty much guess what is going on.
Or not.
As I open the door, I hear another scream followed by a loud bang. I walk in and suddenly become completely immobile. Tom is holding a .22 in his hand and some gust of smoke is still hovering around the scene. Miah is lying down right next to his feet,eyes open and red, with tears on her cheek and her lips parted open just a little. Her mass of curly hair is scattered all around her and there’s blood gushing out where her heart is supposed to be. I sit down next to her body.
I think, ‘I could’ve stopped this’
I think, ‘I should’ve told her everything’
I think, ‘I shouldn’t have left’
I think, ‘I killed her’

I killed her. I killed her. I killed her.
That’s all I’m saying. That’s all I’m saying when Tom tells me to shut up. That’s all I’m saying when a next door neighbor walks in to find out what all the ruckus is about. That’s all I’m saying when the cops arrive. That’s all I’m saying when they arrest Tom.
I guess that’s why I’m here, because now that I think of it,really that’s all I’ve been saying since Miah died.
I want to tell the doctors that I’m not mad,I’m guilty.
But I overhear one of them saying that if I speak again, he’ll sedate me.
So here I am,tied to a chair and in plain white clad. I’ve lost my best friend and the love of my life.
And I realize that the pain of holding on to,is nothing compared to the pain of loosing it.